I Did This Today

2008-01-03T19:07:00.000-08:00

Today I got pissed off when I read a snippet from what I thought was Roger Ebert's review of There Will Be Blood, but which turned out to be his review of I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With.

2007-09-26T09:38:00.000-07:00

Today I drove past a man reading a newspaper outside of a café who was wearing a shirt that said, "Does this condom make me look fat?"

2006-10-07T11:06:00.000-07:00

Today I went home and heard my father say "Bless America" in place of "God damnit" while watching a football game.

2006-09-14T22:09:00.000-07:00

Today I received a graded assignment that had points marked off for my decision to label a picture "strangler" instead of "stranger".

2006-05-16T18:18:00.000-07:00

Today I went to a concert, purchased the band's album after the show, got on a bus to go home and looked out the window to see the bassist weeping in a phone booth.

2006-05-15T15:33:00.000-07:00

Today I received an e-mail from an individual falsely claiming to be selling root beer.

2006-04-06T14:29:00.000-07:00

Today I used the bathroom at a local Borders, and on the wall of my stall was written, "the serious issue of sexual abuse + harassment of women + girls by men + youths must be addressed by society. people we must organize to fight the sexual pervert menace."

2006-04-05T15:15:00.000-07:00

Today I played a free game of pinball after a man walked up to the machine I was sitting next to, inserted two coins, and immediately walked away.

2006-03-26T04:41:00.000-08:00

Today I went to the library to write a paper on Edmund Burke and the computer lab was so quiet that I could hear the person across from me listening to the Mortal Kombat theme on their headphones.

2006-03-03T07:57:00.001-08:00

Today I contributed to a two-hour discussion of Troilus & Cressida by choosing to offer up the phrase, "Yeah, Fleetwood Mac."

2006-02-14T13:25:00.000-08:00

Today I ate at KFC and the kid's meal toy was an "Amazing Secret Box".

2006-01-11T13:21:00.000-08:00

Today I stole an old, hardened rubber band from a box of microfiches in a public library.

2005-12-09T07:59:00.000-08:00

Today I got into an argument with a woman from France about the official title of a Dracula film from 1958, and at the end of the conversation she called me a "fuckhead".

2005-10-15T13:42:00.000-07:00

Today I ate dinner with a cousin I hadn't seen in over ten years at a restaurant that delivered the food on conveyor belts.

2005-09-17T08:41:00.000-07:00

Today I moved to a different country.

2005-09-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

Today I retired the shoes I'd been wearing since the summer after 8th grade.

2005-09-08T14:50:00.000-07:00

Today I lied to a man about attending a college basketball game while he felt my testicles for lumps.

2005-09-06T16:12:00.000-07:00

Today my 4th grade teacher gave me a hug.

2005-08-13T09:46:00.000-07:00

Today I sat in someone's house, took care of their dog, and gave myself a stomachache from eating so many bowls of cereal.

2005-08-11T10:06:00.000-07:00

Today I used exfoliating facewash that was provided in the public bathroom of a Christian bookstore.

2005-08-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

Today I stayed in an apartment alone and read David Mamet plays out loud.

2005-07-31T17:48:00.000-07:00

Today a policeman came to my door asking whether I knew a Carlos Rodriguez, to which I replied no, and then later realized that the friend of a friend who had previously been staying in my apartment for a few days had been named Carlos.

2005-07-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

Today I watched a movie that mildly touched on the ethics of stem cell research, and at the end the scientist-villain was hanged by a wire.

2005-07-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

Today I watched a mentally handicapped man stroke the neck and earlobes of a boy sitting in front of him for over an hour on my ride home.

2005-07-25T23:52:00.000-07:00

Today I went to a water park, and every fifteen minutes a whistle blew, signalling for everyone to get out of the wave pool so the lifeguards could sift for dead bodies.

2005-07-18T17:53:00.000-07:00

Today I quit my job.

2005-07-16T20:32:00.000-07:00

Today a mosh pit formed around me at a concert and I was thrown to the ground.

2005-07-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

Today I got a job canvassing for a state-wide enviromental group, and when the interviewer asked what the biggest problem in society is and how to solve it, I said "environmental issues" and "by informing people."

2005-07-13T01:42:00.000-07:00

Today I ate a Quarter-Pounder after having not eaten at McDonald's for 5 years, and later shit blood.

2005-07-10T15:34:00.000-07:00

Today I almost passed out in a boat thinking about licking the edge of a piece of paper and getting a papercut.

2005-07-03T23:35:00.000-07:00

Today I found white gooey cones and green fungus in the back of my throat.