Today I got pissed off when I read a snippet from what I thought was Roger Ebert's review of There Will Be Blood, but which turned out to be his review of I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With.

Today I drove past a man reading a newspaper outside of a café who was wearing a shirt that said, "Does this condom make me look fat?"

Today I went home and heard my father say "Bless America" in place of "God damnit" while watching a football game.

Today I received a graded assignment that had points marked off for my decision to label a picture "strangler" instead of "stranger".

Today I went to a concert, purchased the band's album after the show, got on a bus to go home and looked out the window to see the bassist weeping in a phone booth.

Today I received an e-mail from an individual falsely claiming to be selling root beer.

Today I used the bathroom at a local Borders, and on the wall of my stall was written, "the serious issue of sexual abuse + harassment of women + girls by men + youths must be addressed by society. people we must organize to fight the sexual pervert menace."

Today I played a free game of pinball after a man walked up to the machine I was sitting next to, inserted two coins, and immediately walked away.

Today I went to the library to write a paper on Edmund Burke and the computer lab was so quiet that I could hear the person across from me listening to the Mortal Kombat theme on their headphones.

Today I contributed to a two-hour discussion of Troilus & Cressida by choosing to offer up the phrase, "Yeah, Fleetwood Mac."

Today I ate at KFC and the kid's meal toy was an "Amazing Secret Box".

Today I stole an old, hardened rubber band from a box of microfiches in a public library.

Today I got into an argument with a woman from France about the official title of a Dracula film from 1958, and at the end of the conversation she called me a "fuckhead".

Today I ate dinner with a cousin I hadn't seen in over ten years at a restaurant that delivered the food on conveyor belts.

Today I moved to a different country.

Today I retired the shoes I'd been wearing since the summer after 8th grade.

Today I lied to a man about attending a college basketball game while he felt my testicles for lumps.

Today my 4th grade teacher gave me a hug.

Today I sat in someone's house, took care of their dog, and gave myself a stomachache from eating so many bowls of cereal.

Today I used exfoliating facewash that was provided in the public bathroom of a Christian bookstore.

Today I stayed in an apartment alone and read David Mamet plays out loud.

Today a policeman came to my door asking whether I knew a Carlos Rodriguez, to which I replied no, and then later realized that the friend of a friend who had previously been staying in my apartment for a few days had been named Carlos.

Today I watched a movie that mildly touched on the ethics of stem cell research, and at the end the scientist-villain was hanged by a wire.

Today I watched a mentally handicapped man stroke the neck and earlobes of a boy sitting in front of him for over an hour on my ride home.

Today I went to a water park, and every fifteen minutes a whistle blew, signalling for everyone to get out of the wave pool so the lifeguards could sift for dead bodies.

Today I quit my job.

Today a mosh pit formed around me at a concert and I was thrown to the ground.

Today I got a job canvassing for a state-wide enviromental group, and when the interviewer asked what the biggest problem in society is and how to solve it, I said "environmental issues" and "by informing people."

Today I ate a Quarter-Pounder after having not eaten at McDonald's for 5 years, and later shit blood.

Today I almost passed out in a boat thinking about licking the edge of a piece of paper and getting a papercut.

Today I found white gooey cones and green fungus in the back of my throat.